Allah vs. Heifer - who will win?

The Holy Qur’an, Sura 2 – Al-Baqara (The Cow) part I

The Holy Qur’an translated by: Abdullah Yusuf Ali

Note: Al-Baqara is very long, so I will divide my reading of it into several parts

Summary (part I: verses 1-82)

This is the Book of guidance for believers, to lead them to prosper. Believers include those who follow the Qur’an and Jewish Scriptures, as well as Christians and Sabians, and they are companions of the Garden, fed from its fruits. Those who reject faith shall be companions of the Fire and live in it. They will not heed your warnings, though they may pretend to believe, deceiving others and themselves. Allah will take away their sight and render them blind, unable to return to the path. Allah uses the similitude of things; He rewards the pure and leads astray those who forsake the path.

Adore your Guardian-Lord, who created heaven and earth and makes it rain and brings Fruits for your sustenance, and who gives you life and death. If you have doubts about the Servant’s words, produce a Sura of your own.

The Lord creates a vicegerent (Adam) on earth, to the dismay of the angels, who believe they deserve the role. He teaches Adam the names of angels and things, showing the angels that He knows all the secrets of heaven and earth. He tells Adam and his wife to live in the Garden, where they may eat everything but not approach a certain tree. Satan causes them to slip, and the Lord sends them to earth, exhorting them to follow His guidance.

To the Children of Israel: Fulfil your Covenant with Him. Fear none but Him. Never lie or conceal the truth. Be steadfast in prayer and charity. Bow down your heads in worship. Remember that the Lord favors you above all others and parted the sea to save you from the Pharaoh, who killed your sons and set hard tasks and punishments; that was a trial from the Lord. Remember that in Moses’ absence you worshiped the calf, and that the Lord forgave you. And that Moses was given Scripture and Criterion (for right and wrong), and that you were not convinced until Allah dazed you with thunder and lightning. Remember the rebellions that harmed your soul and brought a plague down upon the transgressors. Remember Moses praying for and receiving water and sustenance for his people, and how you weren’t satisfied and rejected these signs and slayed Allah’s messengers, and thus drew His wrath. Remember that Moses relayed His command to sacrifice a heifer, and how you eventually obeyed, but not with good-will. And how Allah brought a slain man to life with a piece of the heifer, to show you His signs. Then your hearts hardened, and some perverted the faith.

General Thoughts & Impressions

This. Was. Painful. Al-Baqara is all over the place, like a senile grandpa who is simultaneously trying to give you advice on everything and recount his life story in the order things pop into his head. I apologize for the long, winding summary; it was a challenge trying to present the jump-happy text in a half-way coherent manner. One big problem is that the text repeats itself a lot, stating things in a slightly different way.

For example, al-Baqara is obsessed with pointing out how those who reject Allah are evil and how Allah will punish them. This sura (chapter) doesn’t confine it to one section, but instead paraphrases this idea and sprinkles it almost randomly throughout the text:

[2:9] Fain would they deceive Allah and those who believe, but they only deceive themselves, and realise (it) not!
[2:10] In their hearts is a disease; and Allah has increased their disease: And grievous is the penalty they (incur), because they are false (to themselves).
…
[2:15] Allah will throw back their mockery on them, and give them rope in their trespasses; so they will wander like blind ones (To and fro).
…
[2:20] The lightning all but snatches away their sight; every time the light (Helps) them, they walk therein, and when the darkness grows on them, they stand still. And if Allah willed, He could take away their faculty of hearing and seeing; for Allah hath power over all things.
…
[2:24] But if ye cannot- and of a surety ye cannot- then fear the Fire whose fuel is men and stones,- which is prepared for those who reject Faith.
…
[2:39] “But those who reject Faith and belie Our Signs, they shall be companions of the Fire; they shall abide therein.”
…
[2:59] But the transgressors changed the word from that which had been given them; so We sent on the transgressors a plague from heaven, for that they infringed (Our command) repeatedly.
…
[2:65] And well ye knew those amongst you who transgressed in the matter of the Sabbath: We said to them: “Be ye apes, despised and rejected.”
…
[2:81] Nay, those who seek gain in evil, and are girt round by their sins,- they are companions of the Fire: Therein shall they abide (For ever).

Believe it or not, I only put in about half of what I could have! Every time someone does something wrong, the author feels compelled to remind us about what a horrible punishment awaits them and essentially rephrases a previous verse. To be fair, sometimes the punishment varies. First it’s Fire, then blindness, then deafness, then Fire again, then a plague, the rejection, then back to good ol’ Fire… For a God who is purported to be “Most Gracious and Merciful” (1:1, 1:3), Allah sure seems absolutely fixated on smiting His transgressors and putting them in Fire. Since Allah is such a pyromaniac, are we mortals encouraged to put things in fire, too? It would be a great selling point…

I love the story of Adam’s creation:

[2:30] Behold, thy Lord said to the angels: “I will create a vicegerent on earth.” They said: “Wilt Thou place therein one who will make mischief therein and shed blood?- whilst we do celebrate Thy praises and glorify Thy holy (name)?” He said: “I know what ye know not.”
[2:31] And He taught Adam the names of all things; then He placed them before the angels, and said: “Tell me the names of these if ye are right.”

The angels are jealous! They make mischief while we praise you- we should be the vicegerent! Waaaaah!. Heaven must be real fun during parties- nothing but perfect ass-kissers far as the eye can see. The manner of schooling these uppity angels about who is boss seems utterly bizarre:

[2:33] He said: “O Adam! Tell them their names.” When he had told them, Allah said: “Did I not tell you that I know the secrets of heaven and earth, and I know what ye reveal and what ye conceal?”
[2:34] And behold, We said to the angels: “Bow down to Adam” and they bowed down. Not so Iblis: he refused and was haughty: He was of those who reject Faith.

Adam and the Lord conspire in what amounts to a cheap parlor trick, and suddenly that means Allah knows all the “secrets of heaven and earth”? Why shouldn’t the Lord know his ass-kissing angels’ names? How could this possibly prove anything? Perhaps the rub is that Adam’s the one saying the names, but the First Gentleman does have ears that can be whispered into. Or maybe these are magic names of power, which would still beg the question of why anyone would think the Lord wouldn’t know them (or wouldn’t be able to communicate them to Adam). Making the angels bow down to Adam is kind of a dick move, like a company hiring an executive from outside the firm and then expecting its employees to kiss his ass- and instead of an executive, they hired a newborn whose birth they were present for. I say good on Iblis for having a little pride and standing up for himself.

Al-Baqara really fast forwards through many stories, including Adam and wife’s stay in the Garden and their fall:

[2:35] We said: “O Adam! dwell thou and thy wife in the Garden; and eat of the bountiful things therein as (where and when) ye will; but approach not this tree, or ye run into harm and transgression.”
[2:36] Then did Satan make them slip from the (garden), and get them out of the state (of felicity) in which they had been. We said: “Get ye down, all (ye people), with enmity between yourselves. On earth will be your dwelling-place and your means of livelihood - for a time.”

The Bible’s Genesis 3 took 24 verses to tell this story, al-Baqara takes 2! It’s essentially the same story, summarized, which I examined in my Genesis 3 post.

Indeed, a lot of stories mentioned in al-Baqara seem to refer to other texts, one of which is definitely the Bible:

[2:49] And remember, We delivered you from the people of Pharaoh: They set you hard tasks and punishments, slaughtered your sons and let your women-folk live; therein was a tremendous trial from your Lord.
[2:50] And remember We divided the sea for you and saved you and drowned Pharaoh’s people within your very sight.
[2:51] And remember We appointed forty nights for Moses, and in his absence ye took the calf (for worship), and ye did grievous wrong.
[2:52] Even then We did forgive you; there was a chance for you to be grateful.

This is only the beginning of a long list of references to the books of Moses, and many of these would not make sense unless you had read the Bible. Perhaps the Koran is meant to be an addition to the first few biblical books, an Islamic version of the New Testament which can update certain points of morality. In that case, reading the Old Testament first seems like a good idea…

About the actual passage, note how this mentions the calf that was taken “for worship”; this entire sura is named after this false idol. However, unlike many other transgressions mentioned elsewhere in the text, this one does not get one of Allah’s beloved punishments, despite being the titular crime. The “and remember” verses strike me like a nagging, unappreciated housewife. And remember, who was it that took you to the hospital and sat by your bed for five days after you got herpes from your secretary? Hmmmmm?

[2:28] How can ye reject the faith in Allah?- seeing that ye were without life, and He gave you life; then will He cause you to die, and will again bring you to life; and again to Him will ye return.

First of all, bringing up the traumatic processes of being brought to life and dying and then being brought to life again- sounds painful, not faith-inducing. Secondly, Allah’s tone throughout just sounds desperate and needy- How can you be so ungrateful? Ungrateful ungrateful ungrateful! Even if He is perfectly justified, the All-Mighty Lord should not come across as a whining baby; stick to putting transgressors in Fire, big guy.

This sura is filled with strange stories, perhaps none stranger than the revisiting of the bovine:

[2:67] And remember Moses said to his people: “Allah commands that ye sacrifice a heifer.” They said: “Makest thou a laughing-stock of us?” He said: “Allah save me from being an ignorant (fool)!”
[2:68] They said: “Beseech on our behalf Thy Lord to make plain to us what (heifer) it is!” He said; “He says: The heifer should be neither too old nor too young, but of middling age. Now do what ye are commanded!”
[2:69] They said: “Beseech on our behalf Thy Lord to make plain to us Her colour.” He said: “He says: A fawn-coloured heifer, pure and rich in tone, the admiration of beholders!”
[2:70] They said: “Beseech on our behalf Thy Lord to make plain to us what she is: To us are all heifers alike: We wish indeed for guidance, if Allah wills.”
[2:71] He said: “He says: A heifer not trained to till the soil or water the fields; sound and without blemish.” They said: “Now hast thou brought the truth.” Then they offered her in sacrifice, but not with good-will.

I can’t decide whether or not Moses’ people were just trying to mess with his head. It was probably a tough life for them, and making Moses run back and forth between Allah and humans relaying the details of a cow might have been a precious source of entertainment. Perhaps the people were just trying to avoid giving away a good heifer, but if Allah asked me to sacrifice an animal, I would have to be in a pretty snarky mood to reply: “What color?” The author’s main complaint seems to be that the sacrifice was not done in “good-will”, but I can’t imagine too many farmers jumping for joy at throwing away one of their prize cows. And I bet if they did try to put on for-show smiles, the author would still lambaste them for trying to deceive Allah with false hearts, or some such blather.

Allah wins.

In any case, the denouement of this story gets even weirder:

[2:72] Remember ye slew a man and fell into a dispute among yourselves as to the crime: But Allah was to bring forth what ye did hide.
[2:73] So We said: “Strike the (body) with a piece of the (heifer).” Thus Allah bringeth the dead to life and showeth you His Signs: Perchance ye may understand.
[2:74] Thenceforth were your hearts hardened: They became like a rock and even worse in hardness. For among rocks there are some from which rivers gush forth; others there are which when split asunder send forth water; and others which sink for fear of Allah. And Allah is not unmindful of what ye do.

So the point of sacrificing the cow was to use a part of its corpse to bring a slain man back to life? That’s a great Sign, Allah, a Sign that You are out of Your gourd! This has about the same logic as: Here, break thine guitar on mine altar. Now, take the blessed D-string and thread it between thine teeth- behold! Thine dental health is assured! It is written. Oh, I get that the lesson here may be to just trust in and obey Allah, for He knows what He’s doing, but the way this half-assed story tries to prove it is just laughable. Also, verse 74 is a trip to la-la land. I guess it’s implied that the people did not understand, but it’s a very oblique transition. The sudden leap into a trippy rock metaphor is just bizarre, though slightly entertaining, I confess. And add “scaring your rock-like selves into sinking” to the ever-growing list of ways Allah can fuck you up.

To avoid being completely negative, I did appreciate this:

[2:23] And if ye are in doubt as to what We have revealed from time to time to Our servant, then produce a Sura like thereunto; and call your witnesses or helpers (If there are any) besides Allah, if your (doubts) are true.

This is inviting anyone who questions the messenger (in this case, the writers of the Qur’an!) to challenge it with their own message and witnesses! It’s a nice admission prophets are fallible, but you have to wonder if anyone actually took them up on it. I imagine that the community would tend to side with the established sura, since it would be a major pain in the ass to reprint the Qur’an every time some wise guy had a vision from God. If al-Baqara had actually laid out a concrete appeals process, I would have been really impressed.

Morality

As seen in the previous section, the thing being emphasized in this sura is: BE FAITHFUL AND GRATEFUL! You will be rewarded! If you stray, you will face a myriad of afflictions, ranging from blindness to “plague” to abiding in “Fire” (2:59, 2:39). Part I of this sura’s already beaten the horse dead, and so have I- moving on…

This verse seems quite significant:

[2:62] Those who believe (in the Qur’an), and those who follow the Jewish (scriptures), and the Christians and the Sabians,- any who believe in Allah and the Last Day, and work righteousness, shall have their reward with their Lord; on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

It actually acknowledges other religions and accepts that they have a valid path to salvation, too! Despite all the things I find absurd in this sura, I can’t help but be impressed at just how reasonable this clause is. It’s not exactly Unitarian Universalism, but so long as they “believe in Allah and the Last Day” and “work righteousness”, they’re OK. Has anyone given the Middle East the news?

Some commands:

[2:41] And believe in what I reveal, confirming the revelation which is with you, and be not the first to reject Faith therein, nor sell My Signs for a small price; and fear Me, and Me alone.
[2:42] And cover not Truth with falsehood, nor conceal the Truth when ye know (what it is).
[2:43] And be steadfast in prayer; practise regular charity; and bow down your heads with those who bow down (in worship).

Verses 42-43 are standard fare: don’t lie, pray, be charitable, and pray with your head bowed. I’m not sure why a bowed head is holier than a head held high, seeing as it takes much less effort to hold the position, but Allah probably has His reasons. Verse 41 is odd: “Be not the first to reject Faith therein”; does this mean that if someone else starts to reject the Faith, I can too? I’m also baffled as to what it means to sell His “Signs”, which I take to mean miracles (see 2:73). I guess if I knew that someone was gonna use a dead cow nose to bring their grandpa back to life, I could sell tickets to such an event. Allah commands me to not sell them for a “small price”, and I would be happy to oblige- they will pay out the nose.

Verses 6-16 are basically all about how non-believers can deceive others and themselves. A sample:

[2:9] Fain would they deceive Allah and those who believe, but they only deceive themselves, and realise (it) not!
[2:10] In their hearts is a disease; and Allah has increased their disease: And grievous is the penalty they (incur), because they are false (to themselves).
[2:11] When it is said to them: “Make not mischief on the earth,” they say: “Why, we only Want to make peace!”
[2:12] Of a surety, they are the ones who make mischief, but they realise (it) not.

This seems to make significant implications about the nature of “mischief”; even if the intent is not malicious, it is still wrong, it is still a “disease”. For this concept to be stated and restated for 11 verses straight shows its importance. Ignorance is no excuse, though I wonder if Allah has a policy for people who’ve never even heard His word.

Good news if you’re from Israel:

[2:47] Children of Israel! call to mind the (special) favour which I bestowed upon you, and that I preferred you to all other (for My Message).

What? Allah plays favorites? Your dad may like your brother more because he carried on the family football legacy, but this is God we’re talking about! Allah seems so… human, doesn’t He?

This made me do a double-take:

[2:54] And remember Moses said to his people: “O my people! Ye have indeed wronged yourselves by your worship of the calf: So turn (in repentance) to your Maker, and slay yourselves (the wrong-doers); that will be better for you in the sight of your Maker.” Then He turned towards you (in forgiveness): For He is Oft-Returning, Most Merciful.

We know that worshiping the calf is wrong; al-Baqara/The Cow is a transgression-themed sura. But what I find surprising is that Moses is imploring the calf-worshipers to commit suicide! The very next line even has Allah showing forgiveness, which further emphasizes that suicide is a good way to repent for your transgressions. I will definitely be on the lookout to see how the Bible deals with this.

Potential Controversy

I imagine that the bit about Christians and Jews also having a path to righteousness can’t possibly be accepted universally. It’s also worth noting that Allah prefers Children of Israel above all others, and did not specifically say “Muslims”. This seems to imply that the antipathy between Muslims and Jews and Christians is not exactly being encouraged here; perhaps it’s just the politics that’s poisoned.

Suicide being a valid way to repent is disturbing and brings to mind images of Palestinian teenagers with bombs strapped to their chests, though of course it’s a big stretch between suicide repentance and suicide bombing. How do you know when you’ve crossed the line from “prayer will make this better” to “I must stab myself in the brain”?

In A Nutshell

Short Summary: Stay faithful, for believers are rewarded, and the faithless are burned. Adam and wife lose the Garden. Moses’ people are a bunch of jerks.
Morality Condensed: Stay faithful and grateful to Allah. Sabians, Christians, and Jews are OK, too. Allah’s peeps = Children of Israel. Good intentions won’t save you. Don’t lie. Pray and practice charity regularly. Bow your head when praying. If you screw up, kill yourself.
The Read: A rambling, repetitive semi-coherent mess.
Sketchiness: Allah is a nag, and seems overly focused on finding ways to punish the faithless. His Signs are… convoluted. Angels are whiny ass-kissers.
Last Word: We remember, but would like to forget.
Conversion Meter: Subtract: 8 | New total: -2