Allah vs. Heifer - who will win?

The Holy Qur’an, Sura 2 – Al-Baqara (The Cow) part I

The Holy Qur’an translated by: Abdullah Yusuf Ali

Note: Al-Baqara is very long, so I will divide my reading of it into several parts

Summary (part I: verses 1-82)

This is the Book of guidance for believers, to lead them to prosper. Believers include those who follow the Qur’an and Jewish Scriptures, as well as Christians and Sabians, and they are companions of the Garden, fed from its fruits. Those who reject faith shall be companions of the Fire and live in it. They will not heed your warnings, though they may pretend to believe, deceiving others and themselves. Allah will take away their sight and render them blind, unable to return to the path. Allah uses the similitude of things; He rewards the pure and leads astray those who forsake the path.

Adore your Guardian-Lord, who created heaven and earth and makes it rain and brings Fruits for your sustenance, and who gives you life and death. If you have doubts about the Servant’s words, produce a Sura of your own.

The Lord creates a vicegerent (Adam) on earth, to the dismay of the angels, who believe they deserve the role. He teaches Adam the names of angels and things, showing the angels that He knows all the secrets of heaven and earth. He tells Adam and his wife to live in the Garden, where they may eat everything but not approach a certain tree. Satan causes them to slip, and the Lord sends them to earth, exhorting them to follow His guidance.

To the Children of Israel: Fulfil your Covenant with Him. Fear none but Him. Never lie or conceal the truth. Be steadfast in prayer and charity. Bow down your heads in worship. Remember that the Lord favors you above all others and parted the sea to save you from the Pharaoh, who killed your sons and set hard tasks and punishments; that was a trial from the Lord. Remember that in Moses’ absence you worshiped the calf, and that the Lord forgave you. And that Moses was given Scripture and Criterion (for right and wrong), and that you were not convinced until Allah dazed you with thunder and lightning. Remember the rebellions that harmed your soul and brought a plague down upon the transgressors. Remember Moses praying for and receiving water and sustenance for his people, and how you weren’t satisfied and rejected these signs and slayed Allah’s messengers, and thus drew His wrath. Remember that Moses relayed His command to sacrifice a heifer, and how you eventually obeyed, but not with good-will. And how Allah brought a slain man to life with a piece of the heifer, to show you His signs. Then your hearts hardened, and some perverted the faith.

General Thoughts & Impressions

This. Was. Painful. Al-Baqara is all over the place, like a senile grandpa who is simultaneously trying to give you advice on everything and recount his life story in the order things pop into his head. I apologize for the long, winding summary; it was a challenge trying to present the jump-happy text in a half-way coherent manner. One big problem is that the text repeats itself a lot, stating things in a slightly different way.

For example, al-Baqara is obsessed with pointing out how those who reject Allah are evil and how Allah will punish them. This sura (chapter) doesn’t confine it to one section, but instead paraphrases this idea and sprinkles it almost randomly throughout the text:

[2:9] Fain would they deceive Allah and those who believe, but they only deceive themselves, and realise (it) not!
[2:10] In their hearts is a disease; and Allah has increased their disease: And grievous is the penalty they (incur), because they are false (to themselves).
…
[2:15] Allah will throw back their mockery on them, and give them rope in their trespasses; so they will wander like blind ones (To and fro).
…
[2:20] The lightning all but snatches away their sight; every time the light (Helps) them, they walk therein, and when the darkness grows on them, they stand still. And if Allah willed, He could take away their faculty of hearing and seeing; for Allah hath power over all things.
…
[2:24] But if ye cannot- and of a surety ye cannot- then fear the Fire whose fuel is men and stones,- which is prepared for those who reject Faith.
…
[2:39] “But those who reject Faith and belie Our Signs, they shall be companions of the Fire; they shall abide therein.”
…
[2:59] But the transgressors changed the word from that which had been given them; so We sent on the transgressors a plague from heaven, for that they infringed (Our command) repeatedly.
…
[2:65] And well ye knew those amongst you who transgressed in the matter of the Sabbath: We said to them: “Be ye apes, despised and rejected.”
…
[2:81] Nay, those who seek gain in evil, and are girt round by their sins,- they are companions of the Fire: Therein shall they abide (For ever).

Believe it or not, I only put in about half of what I could have! Every time someone does something wrong, the author feels compelled to remind us about what a horrible punishment awaits them and essentially rephrases a previous verse. To be fair, sometimes the punishment varies. First it’s Fire, then blindness, then deafness, then Fire again, then a plague, the rejection, then back to good ol’ Fire… For a God who is purported to be “Most Gracious and Merciful” (1:1, 1:3), Allah sure seems absolutely fixated on smiting His transgressors and putting them in Fire. Since Allah is such a pyromaniac, are we mortals encouraged to put things in fire, too? It would be a great selling point…

I love the story of Adam’s creation:

[2:30] Behold, thy Lord said to the angels: “I will create a vicegerent on earth.” They said: “Wilt Thou place therein one who will make mischief therein and shed blood?- whilst we do celebrate Thy praises and glorify Thy holy (name)?” He said: “I know what ye know not.”
[2:31] And He taught Adam the names of all things; then He placed them before the angels, and said: “Tell me the names of these if ye are right.”

The angels are jealous! They make mischief while we praise you- we should be the vicegerent! Waaaaah!. Heaven must be real fun during parties- nothing but perfect ass-kissers far as the eye can see. The manner of schooling these uppity angels about who is boss seems utterly bizarre:

[2:33] He said: “O Adam! Tell them their names.” When he had told them, Allah said: “Did I not tell you that I know the secrets of heaven and earth, and I know what ye reveal and what ye conceal?”
[2:34] And behold, We said to the angels: “Bow down to Adam” and they bowed down. Not so Iblis: he refused and was haughty: He was of those who reject Faith.

Adam and the Lord conspire in what amounts to a cheap parlor trick, and suddenly that means Allah knows all the “secrets of heaven and earth”? Why shouldn’t the Lord know his ass-kissing angels’ names? How could this possibly prove anything? Perhaps the rub is that Adam’s the one saying the names, but the First Gentleman does have ears that can be whispered into. Or maybe these are magic names of power, which would still beg the question of why anyone would think the Lord wouldn’t know them (or wouldn’t be able to communicate them to Adam). Making the angels bow down to Adam is kind of a dick move, like a company hiring an executive from outside the firm and then expecting its employees to kiss his ass- and instead of an executive, they hired a newborn whose birth they were present for. I say good on Iblis for having a little pride and standing up for himself.

Al-Baqara really fast forwards through many stories, including Adam and wife’s stay in the Garden and their fall:

[2:35] We said: “O Adam! dwell thou and thy wife in the Garden; and eat of the bountiful things therein as (where and when) ye will; but approach not this tree, or ye run into harm and transgression.”
[2:36] Then did Satan make them slip from the (garden), and get them out of the state (of felicity) in which they had been. We said: “Get ye down, all (ye people), with enmity between yourselves. On earth will be your dwelling-place and your means of livelihood - for a time.”

The Bible’s Genesis 3 took 24 verses to tell this story, al-Baqara takes 2! It’s essentially the same story, summarized, which I examined in my Genesis 3 post.

Indeed, a lot of stories mentioned in al-Baqara seem to refer to other texts, one of which is definitely the Bible:

[2:49] And remember, We delivered you from the people of Pharaoh: They set you hard tasks and punishments, slaughtered your sons and let your women-folk live; therein was a tremendous trial from your Lord.
[2:50] And remember We divided the sea for you and saved you and drowned Pharaoh’s people within your very sight.
[2:51] And remember We appointed forty nights for Moses, and in his absence ye took the calf (for worship), and ye did grievous wrong.
[2:52] Even then We did forgive you; there was a chance for you to be grateful.

This is only the beginning of a long list of references to the books of Moses, and many of these would not make sense unless you had read the Bible. Perhaps the Koran is meant to be an addition to the first few biblical books, an Islamic version of the New Testament which can update certain points of morality. In that case, reading the Old Testament first seems like a good idea…

About the actual passage, note how this mentions the calf that was taken “for worship”; this entire sura is named after this false idol. However, unlike many other transgressions mentioned elsewhere in the text, this one does not get one of Allah’s beloved punishments, despite being the titular crime. The “and remember” verses strike me like a nagging, unappreciated housewife. And remember, who was it that took you to the hospital and sat by your bed for five days after you got herpes from your secretary? Hmmmmm?

[2:28] How can ye reject the faith in Allah?- seeing that ye were without life, and He gave you life; then will He cause you to die, and will again bring you to life; and again to Him will ye return.

First of all, bringing up the traumatic processes of being brought to life and dying and then being brought to life again- sounds painful, not faith-inducing. Secondly, Allah’s tone throughout just sounds desperate and needy- How can you be so ungrateful? Ungrateful ungrateful ungrateful! Even if He is perfectly justified, the All-Mighty Lord should not come across as a whining baby; stick to putting transgressors in Fire, big guy.

This sura is filled with strange stories, perhaps none stranger than the revisiting of the bovine:

[2:67] And remember Moses said to his people: “Allah commands that ye sacrifice a heifer.” They said: “Makest thou a laughing-stock of us?” He said: “Allah save me from being an ignorant (fool)!”
[2:68] They said: “Beseech on our behalf Thy Lord to make plain to us what (heifer) it is!” He said; “He says: The heifer should be neither too old nor too young, but of middling age. Now do what ye are commanded!”
[2:69] They said: “Beseech on our behalf Thy Lord to make plain to us Her colour.” He said: “He says: A fawn-coloured heifer, pure and rich in tone, the admiration of beholders!”
[2:70] They said: “Beseech on our behalf Thy Lord to make plain to us what she is: To us are all heifers alike: We wish indeed for guidance, if Allah wills.”
[2:71] He said: “He says: A heifer not trained to till the soil or water the fields; sound and without blemish.” They said: “Now hast thou brought the truth.” Then they offered her in sacrifice, but not with good-will.

I can’t decide whether or not Moses’ people were just trying to mess with his head. It was probably a tough life for them, and making Moses run back and forth between Allah and humans relaying the details of a cow might have been a precious source of entertainment. Perhaps the people were just trying to avoid giving away a good heifer, but if Allah asked me to sacrifice an animal, I would have to be in a pretty snarky mood to reply: “What color?” The author’s main complaint seems to be that the sacrifice was not done in “good-will”, but I can’t imagine too many farmers jumping for joy at throwing away one of their prize cows. And I bet if they did try to put on for-show smiles, the author would still lambaste them for trying to deceive Allah with false hearts, or some such blather.

Allah wins.

In any case, the denouement of this story gets even weirder:

[2:72] Remember ye slew a man and fell into a dispute among yourselves as to the crime: But Allah was to bring forth what ye did hide.
[2:73] So We said: “Strike the (body) with a piece of the (heifer).” Thus Allah bringeth the dead to life and showeth you His Signs: Perchance ye may understand.
[2:74] Thenceforth were your hearts hardened: They became like a rock and even worse in hardness. For among rocks there are some from which rivers gush forth; others there are which when split asunder send forth water; and others which sink for fear of Allah. And Allah is not unmindful of what ye do.

So the point of sacrificing the cow was to use a part of its corpse to bring a slain man back to life? That’s a great Sign, Allah, a Sign that You are out of Your gourd! This has about the same logic as: Here, break thine guitar on mine altar. Now, take the blessed D-string and thread it between thine teeth- behold! Thine dental health is assured! It is written. Oh, I get that the lesson here may be to just trust in and obey Allah, for He knows what He’s doing, but the way this half-assed story tries to prove it is just laughable. Also, verse 74 is a trip to la-la land. I guess it’s implied that the people did not understand, but it’s a very oblique transition. The sudden leap into a trippy rock metaphor is just bizarre, though slightly entertaining, I confess. And add “scaring your rock-like selves into sinking” to the ever-growing list of ways Allah can fuck you up.

To avoid being completely negative, I did appreciate this:

[2:23] And if ye are in doubt as to what We have revealed from time to time to Our servant, then produce a Sura like thereunto; and call your witnesses or helpers (If there are any) besides Allah, if your (doubts) are true.

This is inviting anyone who questions the messenger (in this case, the writers of the Qur’an!) to challenge it with their own message and witnesses! It’s a nice admission prophets are fallible, but you have to wonder if anyone actually took them up on it. I imagine that the community would tend to side with the established sura, since it would be a major pain in the ass to reprint the Qur’an every time some wise guy had a vision from God. If al-Baqara had actually laid out a concrete appeals process, I would have been really impressed.

Morality

As seen in the previous section, the thing being emphasized in this sura is: BE FAITHFUL AND GRATEFUL! You will be rewarded! If you stray, you will face a myriad of afflictions, ranging from blindness to “plague” to abiding in “Fire” (2:59, 2:39). Part I of this sura’s already beaten the horse dead, and so have I- moving on…

This verse seems quite significant:

[2:62] Those who believe (in the Qur’an), and those who follow the Jewish (scriptures), and the Christians and the Sabians,- any who believe in Allah and the Last Day, and work righteousness, shall have their reward with their Lord; on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve.

It actually acknowledges other religions and accepts that they have a valid path to salvation, too! Despite all the things I find absurd in this sura, I can’t help but be impressed at just how reasonable this clause is. It’s not exactly Unitarian Universalism, but so long as they “believe in Allah and the Last Day” and “work righteousness”, they’re OK. Has anyone given the Middle East the news?

Some commands:

[2:41] And believe in what I reveal, confirming the revelation which is with you, and be not the first to reject Faith therein, nor sell My Signs for a small price; and fear Me, and Me alone.
[2:42] And cover not Truth with falsehood, nor conceal the Truth when ye know (what it is).
[2:43] And be steadfast in prayer; practise regular charity; and bow down your heads with those who bow down (in worship).

Verses 42-43 are standard fare: don’t lie, pray, be charitable, and pray with your head bowed. I’m not sure why a bowed head is holier than a head held high, seeing as it takes much less effort to hold the position, but Allah probably has His reasons. Verse 41 is odd: “Be not the first to reject Faith therein”; does this mean that if someone else starts to reject the Faith, I can too? I’m also baffled as to what it means to sell His “Signs”, which I take to mean miracles (see 2:73). I guess if I knew that someone was gonna use a dead cow nose to bring their grandpa back to life, I could sell tickets to such an event. Allah commands me to not sell them for a “small price”, and I would be happy to oblige- they will pay out the nose.

Verses 6-16 are basically all about how non-believers can deceive others and themselves. A sample:

[2:9] Fain would they deceive Allah and those who believe, but they only deceive themselves, and realise (it) not!
[2:10] In their hearts is a disease; and Allah has increased their disease: And grievous is the penalty they (incur), because they are false (to themselves).
[2:11] When it is said to them: “Make not mischief on the earth,” they say: “Why, we only Want to make peace!”
[2:12] Of a surety, they are the ones who make mischief, but they realise (it) not.

This seems to make significant implications about the nature of “mischief”; even if the intent is not malicious, it is still wrong, it is still a “disease”. For this concept to be stated and restated for 11 verses straight shows its importance. Ignorance is no excuse, though I wonder if Allah has a policy for people who’ve never even heard His word.

Good news if you’re from Israel:

[2:47] Children of Israel! call to mind the (special) favour which I bestowed upon you, and that I preferred you to all other (for My Message).

What? Allah plays favorites? Your dad may like your brother more because he carried on the family football legacy, but this is God we’re talking about! Allah seems so… human, doesn’t He?

This made me do a double-take:

[2:54] And remember Moses said to his people: “O my people! Ye have indeed wronged yourselves by your worship of the calf: So turn (in repentance) to your Maker, and slay yourselves (the wrong-doers); that will be better for you in the sight of your Maker.” Then He turned towards you (in forgiveness): For He is Oft-Returning, Most Merciful.

We know that worshiping the calf is wrong; al-Baqara/The Cow is a transgression-themed sura. But what I find surprising is that Moses is imploring the calf-worshipers to commit suicide! The very next line even has Allah showing forgiveness, which further emphasizes that suicide is a good way to repent for your transgressions. I will definitely be on the lookout to see how the Bible deals with this.

Potential Controversy

I imagine that the bit about Christians and Jews also having a path to righteousness can’t possibly be accepted universally. It’s also worth noting that Allah prefers Children of Israel above all others, and did not specifically say “Muslims”. This seems to imply that the antipathy between Muslims and Jews and Christians is not exactly being encouraged here; perhaps it’s just the politics that’s poisoned.

Suicide being a valid way to repent is disturbing and brings to mind images of Palestinian teenagers with bombs strapped to their chests, though of course it’s a big stretch between suicide repentance and suicide bombing. How do you know when you’ve crossed the line from “prayer will make this better” to “I must stab myself in the brain”?

In A Nutshell

Short Summary: Stay faithful, for believers are rewarded, and the faithless are burned. Adam and wife lose the Garden. Moses’ people are a bunch of jerks.
Morality Condensed: Stay faithful and grateful to Allah. Sabians, Christians, and Jews are OK, too. Allah’s peeps = Children of Israel. Good intentions won’t save you. Don’t lie. Pray and practice charity regularly. Bow your head when praying. If you screw up, kill yourself.
The Read: A rambling, repetitive semi-coherent mess.
Sketchiness: Allah is a nag, and seems overly focused on finding ways to punish the faithless. His Signs are… convoluted. Angels are whiny ass-kissers.
Last Word: We remember, but would like to forget.
Conversion Meter: Subtract: 8 | New total: -2

After only three short Bible chapters, I’ve decided to jump ship to Islam; you can thank my MTV-generation attention span. Jesus Christ is supposed to appear in the Koran, too, which means I wouldn’t really be missing much…

I kid. I thought it’d be more interesting to have two sacred books going at the same time, and I finally settled on which translation of the Koran to read: The Holy Qur’an by Abdullah Yusuf Ali. I chose it mainly because it’s the most popular version among English-speaking Muslims. The Koran Project can be found here.

I’ve decided to add a silly gimmick to the Sacred Books project: the Conversion Meter!

This attempts to sum up my disposition towards the religion with a single number. -100 is utter contempt and disbelief, while +100 is utter faith and acceptance. The meter will start at neutral 0 and points are added or subtracted based on my reaction to the contents of the given chapters. The more (or less) I want to become part of the faith (for whatever reason) the more points will be added (or subtracted).

Why? I’m not sure. I guess it’s a (silly) way to pit the sacred books against each other and see which religions I’m more or less disposed to. If it turned out that Christianity was the winner, my discomfort would reach epic masochistic proportions, benefiting the site and possibly compelling me to hurl myself off a cliff. Besides, competition between religions never hurt anyone, did it?

Note: Since I’ve already started the Bible, I will go ahead and calculate the Conversion Points for those chapters and retroactively edit them in to the posts.

Pages from a Koran in Chinese Arabic script (undated, probably 18th century)

The Holy Qur’an, Sura 1 – Al-Faatiha (The Opening)

The Holy Qur’an translated by: Abdullah Yusuf Ali

Full Text (it’s a tiny sura)

[1:1] In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
[1:2] Praise be to Allah, the Cherisher and Sustainer of the worlds;
[1:3] Most Gracious, Most Merciful;
[1:4] Master of the Day of Judgment.
[1:5] Thee do we worship, and Thine aid we seek.
[1:6] Show us the straight way,
[1:7] The way of those on whom Thou hast bestowed Thy Grace, those whose (portion) is not wrath, and who go not astray.

General Thoughts & Impressions

It was really kind of Mohammed’s followers to include such a concise, to-the-point introduction of Islam right here at the beginning of the Koran. While the Bible’s opening chapter takes its time telling grand stories about the creation of the universe, al-Faatiha wastes no time in getting right down to the nitty-gritty. If the two books’ openers were competing business plans, the Koran would acquire the Bible in a hostile takeover within a week.

Immediately we’re told that this work is being written in the name of Allah; this doesn’t really mean much, as I could say I’m whacking off to Hillary Clinton in the name of Allah, too. We also get a description of Allah (He’s gracious and merciful) as well as what He does (He cherishes and sustains worlds and is master of the Day of Judgment). Note that Allah isn’t credited here with creating the worlds, merely cherishing and sustaining them. I quite like the shout-out to the less sexy task of maintenance; we all hear about the guy who created the Guggenheim, but less about the folks who sweep its floors and keep the pipes from bursting. If I were a janitor or a house cleaner, I would definitely double this sura’s conversion points for that.

I wonder what “Master of the Day of Judgment” means. What happens if Allah judges us guilty? Will he unleashe Terminator? Is He Skynet?

The next two lines are pretty efficient, telling us who we worship (Allah, duh) and what we want from Him (aid and to be shown the “straight way”). The final line distinguishes between Allah’s favored and those who have gone “astray” and earned his “wrath”. In short, the outline of a religious faith is all laid out. We have the diety, His description, our prescribed role, and a hint of the consequence of failure (i.e. a wrathful judgment). Elegant.

But not perfect. I know that the Koran is considered a work of poetry, but repeating “Most Gracious, Most Merciful” two lines apart makes you sound like a major kiss-ass. Take out 1:3 and the work doesn’t suffer one bit. Perhaps they desperately wanted to emphasize His graciousness and mercy above all else; if that’s the case, Allah had better be really honkin’ gracious and merciful in future suras, or I’m calling foul.

Morality

The main prescriptions in this short opener are to praise Allah, to worship Him, to seek His aid, and to let Him show us the “straight way”. Something I’ve never understood about various religious deities (especially those of Abrahamic religions) is this strange need to be praised and worshipped. Why does Allah care whether or not I praise His name? Narcissism more suits the quarreling gods of the Greek or Roman pantheon, not the all-powerful, super-deity Allah. To be fair, al-Faatiha’s “Praise be to Allah” could be more of an exhortation by Mohammed (or his scribes) and not a direct command from Allah, who could very well be blushing furiously from all these compliments.

The bits about seeking Allah’s aid and direction are standard requests of a god; how Allah responds is what really matters. From an outsider Martian’s point of view, wait-and-see seems the best approach for now.

Potential Controversy

I can’t seem to conjure up anything remotely controversial in these seven lines. Al-Qur’an, it’s your lucky day.

In A Nutshell

Short Summary: We must worship the gracious and merciful Allah and seek His guidance.
Morality Condensed: Praise Allah. Ask Him for help and advice. If you go astray, eat wrath.
The Read: Wonderfully concise.
Sketchiness: People who need to be praised constantly generally have low self-esteem.
Last Word: Allah has a lot to live up to.
Conversion Meter: Add: 6 | New total: +6

The Expulsion From Paradise, by Charles Joseph Natoire (1740)

King James Bible, Genesis (First Book of Moses), Chapter 3

Summary

The subtile serpent persuades Adam’s [yet unnamed] woman to eat the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge, saying that her eyes would be opened and that she would be as a god, knowing good and evil. The woman sees that the fruit looks pleasant and she eats and gives some to Adam, who eats as well. The couple’s eyes are opened, and they suddenly realize they are naked; they fashion aprons for themselves. God notices the clothes and finds out all about their disobedience. He curses the serpent to crawl on his belly and eat dust for the rest of his life, as well as causing eternal enmity between mankind and serpentkind. God tells the woman that she shall bring forth children with sorrow, that her desire shall be to her husband, and that he shall rule over her. God tells Adam that the ground shall be cursed, that he will sweat and toil in sorrow for his bread, and that he shall return to dust (i.e. die) when his life is over. Adam calls the woman “Eve”. The Lord gives them clothes, notes that the man has become as one of “us”, and that to prevent him from eating from the tree of life and living forever, Adam is hereby banished from Eden.

General Thoughts & Impressions

The honeymoon sure passed quickly, didn’t it? Eve was created at the end of Genesis 2, and she’s being tempted by the serpent in the very first line of Genesis 3. Would it have killed Moses (my stand-in for whoever the real authors were) to show at least a few happy Eden scenes, with prancing ponies and rose petal hot springs? For all we know, Adam & Eve were bored out of their skulls, which led Eve to start chatting up any random snake wandering by; she just wanted a friend whose rib she wasn’t made from. Perhaps Moses is trying to emphasize that even at the very beginning, humans have always wanted what they can’t have.

I will give credit to Moses for presenting a reasonably plausible temptation for Eve:

4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
5 For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
6 And when the woman saw that the tree [was] good for food, and that it [was] pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make [one] wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

The serpent confirms that this was the tree of knowledge of good and evil, and adds eating the fruit will make you god-like and won’t result in death. Eve was quite possibly born yesterday, and she just got a great excuse to do what she already wanted to do. Could God have made that blasted tree any more maddeningly mysterious? Ho ho ho, don’t you dare eat that magical fruit of mystery, it’s too cool for you! Eve’s a newbie at life, and that’s just cruel. Adam, meanwhile, faces the first test of peer pressure ever and fails miserably. Why Moses chose to omit the fatal conversation that persuaded Adam is a mystery…

Oddly enough, it’s quite possible the serpent never told a single lie. He told Eve that she would not die, and indeed, they were just banished from Eden, not killed. The serpent said that her “eyes shall be opened”, and lo’ and behold:

7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they [were] naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

Another promise delivered by our slithery friend! Finally, the serpent said they would be “as gods, knowing good and evil.” Well, the Lord God Himself says later in the chapter:

22 And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:

So, at least according to God, Adam and Eve did become as gods in some respect, knowing about good and evil. Serpent is three for three! With the right lawyer, I’m sure the serpent could have sued Eve or God or somebody for slander.

Since such a big deal was made, it’s incredible that after Adam’s and Eve’s eyes “were opened”, the only revelation it seemed to give them was the knowledge that they were naked, and the shame that comes with it. Could this really be the sum total of the “knowledge of good and evil”? Did they really trade away eternal paradise for the ability to be ashamed of their bodies? If so, this was perhaps the worst exchange in the history of mankind; Napoleon, you’re off the hook.

God’s reaction to the disobedience is, of course, necessary for the rest of the Bible (and human history) to exist. First he punishes the serpent, though as we’ve seen, the serpent didn’t really lie. He did encourage the somewhat dimwitted humans to break God’s command, but personally I think he just gave off major asshole vibes.

14 And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou [art] cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
15 And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.

For leading mankind astray, the serpent adopts a sexy slither and becomes a target for man’s vengeful foot stompings; it was nice of God to at least let him get some heel-bruising licks in. I’ll give God points for creativity here; the locomotive penalty is akin to turning one human leg into a tire. Also note that God is encouraging mankind to hold an eternal species grudge.

Eve’s punishment is all about pain and submission.

16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire [shall be] to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

I assume by “sorrow”, the Lord meant making childbirth hurt like hell and possibly lead to death. I’m sure the mothers of the world would like to give Eve a hearty slap for that one. The “desire to thy husband” sounds like Eve’s wishes are to play second fiddle to Adam’s; in any case, she now has a divinely-ordained dominant husband. I can see a twisted sense of logic here, as she’s the one who initially agreed to eat the fruit, casting doubt on her sense of judgment. However, Adam, in letting himself get persuaded by her, doesn’t exactly show himself to be CEO material, either. Despite their being about equally idiotic, Eve really got the worse end of the deal, as Adam’s punishment will inevitably apply to her, as well!

As for Adam, he wins the prizes of toiling and mortality.

17 And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed [is] the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat [of] it all the days of thy life;
18 Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;
19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou [art], and unto dust shalt thou return.

God has decided to spoil the ground and make Adam work for his bread. This also makes a bit of sense; Adam was living the Eden High Life but still couldn’t resist the one thing he couldn’t have. Perhaps a little backbreaking labor for scraps of moldy bread would cause him to appreciate what he had. On top of that, God curses Adam with mortality, the original death sentence. Though at this point, future life seems so bleak and dreary that Adam could secretly be glad of his upcoming return to dusthood.

Did Adam and Eve succeed in becoming like gods?

22 And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
23 Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.

This all hinges on what is probably a translation issue: namely, what it means to “become as one of us”. Who is us? I imagine God cavorting around with Zeus and Hera and bemoaning their disappointing subjects while playing darts on Mount Olympus. Or perhaps He is using the royal “we” and talking to Himself. What did Adam and Eve actually accomplish, aside from now being ashamed of nudity? It’s bewildering, as Adam and Eve have not shown the slightest hint of improvement in their knowledge or abilities since eating the fruit. What kind of lame god-like beings are they? Since when is shame a god-power?

One thought that hurts my head: if Adam and Eve now know about good and evil, that means they didn’t before; without this knowledge, how could they have known that eating the fruit was wrong? They needed to have eaten the fruit to have the wisdom not to eat the fruit! And God chuckles at the creation of his first catch-22…

Morality

What happened to the One Strike & You’re Dead policy? Well, the Lord never said it would be an immediate death, so I guess He kept his word. It’s definitely One Strike & You’re Out, at the very least. He doesn’t strike me as being particularly merciful, though I suppose His not killing them outright and giving them a shot at life outside of Eden (albeit filled with hardship) may count. And of course, this:

21 Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.

Awwww… He’s condemning them to a life of misery, but He doesn’t want them to catch a cold. Reminds me of a mother who gives her naughty son a hug and then spanks his bottom redder than a cherry. God comes off as a ridiculously strict Father, but He does seem to care.

God’s sentencing Adam and Eve to pain and hardship; is this simply a punishment, or also a character-building exercise? An All-Mighty Creator should have had the ability to program perfect little sentient creatures, but instead He created disobedient human beings. Perhaps He wanted to shape his creations through a convoluted set of harsh lessons and trials, the first of which was the forbidden fruit in Eden. It almost seems like He’s playing with lab rats in a psych experiment, which seems to be as good a reason as any for why He chose to give us free will and the ability to fuck up our lives.

God’s punishment of the serpent is revealing. The serpent doesn’t do anything wrong himself; he just convinces others to, but as we find out, this is just as bad. In God’s moral system, tricksy manipulators are scum, as well. No argument here.

As mentioned previously, Eve’s punishment not only includes pain, but the role of being “ruled over” by Adam- in essence, to be his bitch. As a curious Martian observer, for this rule to extend to all women thereafter would be hilariously unfair; why should they all suffer for Eve’s screw-up? For that matter, why should all men be forced to eat and toil “in sorrow” for Adam’s mistake? To be fair, God is only speaking directly to Adam and Eve here, and doesn’t make it clear whether or not all male and female descendants would be screwed over as well. However, as we all know, nobody else is ever allowed back in to Eden, so it sure looks like God has made the rest of us pay for the first couple’s sins. What a bastard.

Potential Controversy

This chapter reads like the birthplace of misogyny. Adam blames Eve for the fall:

12 And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest [to be] with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

How noble. And of course, God makes Eve into Adam’s bitch as punishment. And generations of women throughout the millenia wept.

In A Nutshell

Short Summary: Adam & Eve eat the forbidden fruit, provoking the Lord God to condemn humanity to a hard, mortal life outside paradise.
Morality Condensed: Feel pain, toil, and eventually die as punishment for the original sin. Manipulators suck. Never stop crushing serpent. Eve, you’re Adam’s bitch.
The Read: Elaborate on the important details, please!
Sketchiness: Forbidden fruit comes across as a giant Macguffin.
Last Word: Knowledge is shame.
Conversion Meter: Subtract: 4 | New total: -1

Adam & Eve, from an old English Bible

King James Bible, Genesis (First Book of Moses), Chapter 2

Summary

God ends His work and blesses the seventh day because it is His day of rest. God forms man from ground dust and breathes into his nostrils the breath of life, and man becomes a living soul. He plants a garden in Eden full of pleasant, food-bearing trees, as well as the tree of knowledge of good and evil. He creates four rivers (Pison, Gihon, Hiddekel, and Euphrates) which encompass and lead to three lands (Havilah, Ethiopia, and Assyria). God puts the man, Adam, in Eden and commands him not to eat from the tree of knowledge, at pain of death. God forms the animals of the air and the field and lets Adam name them. Since Adam doesn’t yet have a help meet, God puts Adam to sleep, takes one of Adam’s ribs, and makes a woman, who Adam calls Woman, because she was taken from Man. Adam and the woman were both naked and unashamed.

General Thoughts & Impressions

So did God create Man on the 6th day or 7th day? It’s not terribly important, but it reeks of sloppiness. In Genesis 1:27,31:

27 So God created man in his [own] image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
…
31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, [it was] very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

Yet here in Genesis 2, which takes place entirely on the 7th day:

5 And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and [there was] not a man to till the ground.
…
7 And the LORD God formed man [of] the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

Moses, what’s going on? Did God really create Man twice? I suppose it’s possible that the 6th day Man was a test run that He deleted, maybe a Cave Man. It could then be evidence of an evolutionary dead end; the sixth day Man didn’t cut it, but the seventh day Man was naturally selected to thrive and live in gardens. Perhaps Darwin was the real prophet.

Wonkiness aside, some nice imagery peppered this chapter. Besides the wonderfully evocative “breath of life” above, I also enjoyed:

6 But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground.

Simple, but it’s a pretty elegant summation of the rain cycle.

The most intriguing concept in the chapter has to be the tree of knowledge of good and evil. It’s not explained yet, but God’s already dangling it in front of Adam like a glittering, poison-laced toy in front of a newborn.

The text goes out of its way to give an idea of the lay of the land, with lines like:

14 And the name of the third river [is] Hiddekel: that [is] it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river [is] Euphrates.

I appreciate the attempt, but simply dropping a bunch of names is lazy (Havilah, at least, is described as having bdellium and onyx). I suppose the intended audience might be familiar with the locations in question and not need further description, so perhaps I should be blaming myself for being an ignorant boob.

The search for a “help meet” (helper) for Adam is fairly amusing:

18 And the LORD God said, [It is] not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought [them] unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that [was] the name thereof.
20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

Let’s look at the sequence here from God’s point of view: “Adam needs a helper/partner, so I shall make him one. Bring forth the beasts and the birds… Hmm, it’s not working. I guess a woman will do.” Oh how different the world would have been if Adam’s help meet had turned out to be a grizzly bear, or a penguin.

Adam decides that one of the earlier help meet candidates is just fine.

Finally, why the rib? Is it because we have so many and won’t miss one? It is true, though, that if I knew the procedure would be done correctly, I would gladly trade one rib for a naked, nubile help meet by my side.

Morality

God’s values continue to come out of the woodwork in this second chapter.

3 And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.

Thank God for at least one day of rest a week! This is a smart and practical policy decision.

I already mentioned it, but the forbidden tree of knowledge of good and evil marks an important foundation for faith.

17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

It bothers me that knowledge is the forbidden fruit here. Is ignorance supposed to be as holy as it is blissful? In any case, God has decreed his first prohibition, and the price of infraction is death. This is crucial, as it lets us know that God will tempt us with naughty things, and that we must resist. He also puts forth the first justice system, which features a simple One Strike & You’re Dead clause. Were I a curious Martian outsider, this policy of dangling temptations and immediate death sentences wouldn’t exactly have me rushing to get baptized.

The first woman being created from Adam’s rib as a helper for Adam tingles with symbolism. Do women exist merely as supporting characters to the male stars?

23 And Adam said, This [is] now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Note that Adam is the one making this pronouncement, not God. He sure seems possessive of his newborn wife, doesn’t he? Despite God’s making the help meet (i.e. Woman) for Adam, there’s nothing in this chapter definitively stating that God Himself sees Woman as subservient to Man. Also note that this passage recommends new couples to form their own separate union outside of the man’s original family. God, being all-knowing, probably realized that in-laws would drive newlyweds crazy. Good call.

The closing verse of the chapter:

25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

This is obviously being addressed to an audience that would find nudity shameful, and it makes a surprisingly hippy point. Naked bodies are the natural state, and what’s wrong with that?

Potential Controversy

Feminists would probably take issue with Woman’s defining role as Man’s help meet. Also, God’s system of punishment strikes me as unconstitutional, if He were subject to the American constitution (He’s not).

In A Nutshell

Short Summary: God creates Man (again), puts him in a garden, forbids eating from tree of knowledge, and gives him Woman.
Morality Condensed: Obey His dietary prescription. Death penalty is OK. Newlyweds, leave the nest. Nudity’s cool. Everybody, take a day off.
The Read: Dashes of elegance.
Sketchiness: Moses can’t decide which day Man was created.
Last Word: Eat the fruit, I dare you.
Conversion Meter: Subtract: 2 | New total: +3

The Creation of Adam, by Michelangelo

King James Bible, Genesis (First Book of Moses), Chapter 1

Summary

God creates the universe in six days. On the first day, the earth is void, and God creates light (Day) and darkness (Night). On the second day, He creates the firmament (Heaven), which divides the waters above and below. On the third day, He gathers the water into Seas to make dry land (Earth) appear, and lets the earth bring forth the seed-bearing plants. On the fourth day, He creates the stars and the two great lights (sun & moon) to rule over night and day. On the fifth day, He creates the animals of land, sea, and air, blesses them, and tells them to be fruitful and multiply. On the sixth day, He creates man in His image, and tells man to be fruitful, multiply, replenish the earth & subdue it, and have dominion over every living thing. God saw that everything he made was good.

General Thoughts & Impressions

Well, the Bible is off to an epic start. It’s only a tiny thirty-one verse chapter, but it holds the creation of life, the universe, and everything. God clearly comes across as the omnipotent and organized Creator with a plan, dividing his tasks between the days in the first work week ever.

1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness [was] upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

The passage above interests me greatly, as it contains the earliest point covered by the Bible. It implies that God predates the creation of heaven and earth, but makes no mention of what God was up to before then. Did He have other projects before our universe? Perhaps they failed miserably, and He was too embarrassed to tell Moses & friends. Or maybe He didn’t exist before this creation and he spontaneously came into being and created the universe at the same time. How exhausting! Or perhaps God somehow encompasses time somehow, and that to ask what came before God is a contradiction, like asking which way is south from the north pole (wait, that analogy makes no sense). I need an aspirin.

It’s curious that the formless earth contained “waters”, on which the Spirit of God moved. Are they literal waters, as implied by:

9 And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry [land] appear: and it was so.

Or is it refering to something else? What would be so special about “waters” that they should exist even in the “void” state of earth? Could it be that the void was really just a big ball of water?

Genesis 1 reads like a set of royal decrees, which matches what’s going on:

11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, [and] the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed [is] in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

For many instances of creation, God commands something and then the text informs us that, indeed, it comes into being. It struck me as slightly repetitive, but again, it works with that mighty royal tone and lets us know that the universe hops to obey Him.

One thing that does bother me about this chapter is the order of creation. I understand that while God has a perfect comprehension of physical laws, human messengers (i.e. the ones writing the Bible) do not. Thus, the science of scripture should be given a lot of metaphorical slack. However, God is clearly creating Earth (its land and seas) on the third day, before creating the stars and sun on the fourth day. Astrophysics would disagree, strongly. It wouldn’t matter if the order weren’t so heavily emphasized, but it is. If this was a transcription mistake on the part of Moses (or whoever the real authors were), it’s significant and makes me wonder why God would entrust this task to such a sloppy secretary.

Morality

Genesis 1 delivers an important foundation for religion. God is the sole Creator, and He is large and in charge. He creates the universe with actions of reassuringly mythic proportions and seems to have a plan and a sense of order.

God’s one command thus far is to send the first animals and humans off to have lots of sex and make lots of babies, which is completely unobjectionable, and quite frankly sounds like fun. How else to fill a large, relatively empty world? However, now that the world is crammed with 6 billion people, we’re probably good to go. Will God ever issue an amendment: Be fruitful but also use a condom every once in a while, OK?

The Lord gives humans “dominion” over all living beings, which may piss PETA off, but not me. Humans kill and use animals for their benefit, and I can’t really argue with it. I do wonder what would happen if E.T. came floating around the bend; he would count as a non-human living being, so would it be OK to milk his mother and sell him to Cletus for 20 pieces of silver?

God’s only judgment so far is to declare everything “good”. He’s no tortured, self-doubting artist, that’s for sure. He appreciates his work and seems to have high self-esteem.

Potential Controversy

The main controversy I’ve heard of with regards to Genesis 1 is creationism vs. evolution, which is never mentioned here and strikes me as a false dilemma. Nothing in the text states definitively that Creation actually happened in 6 or 7 literal days, and nothing in the text tells us about the exact mechanism for how things are created. As far as I’m concerned, this chapter doesn’t swing for or against evolution.

In A Nutshell

Short Summary: God creates the universe and orders animals and humans to get busy.
Morality Condensed: God is boss. Procreation is good. Humans rule.
The Read: Epic, grand, and slightly repetitive.
Sketchiness: Moses failed physics class.
Last Word: It’s all good.
Conversion Meter: Add: 5 | New total: +5